So, I'm posting this not for attention... I hate attention. I have so many thoughts in my head and I don't want to tell people for obvious reasons. Like my friend says, "It's easier when their's no one their in front of you." So, this is like a dump spot for it all:
So, today I was hauling hay back and forth and I was waiting for the guy baleing it to get done with that load. I was using the boss's truck for it's just easier. In his truck is a knife I picked it up and started to admire it. I had an urge like so many times before... just take it and slit your writsts. Just do it. I just wanted to so badly. I just wanted the blood to flow down my disgusting skin... the skin that has housed and protected this vile piece of vermin... The idea made it sound so easy... but with my parents coming home I didn't want to worry them so I backed down. So many other times before I've cut my arms. I stopped due to I realized that my parents would eventually see the cuts and freak out. So, I now just cut my shoulders. When I feel so worthless I just cut until I get bored. It's like a release valve, but I just want to die somedays. I feel so worthless I feel like a mistake. I am disloyal. I'm such a coward, but why does the world want me? I have no purpose. Alot of times I just want to take my revolver, walk out to the deepest parts of the country, and pull the trigger.
I don't want your pitty, your comfort, or any other of that garbage.
Don't get me wrong, I love to build people up, but for me I just don't care; call me vermin for that is what I am. I just don't deserve love. I love to love people, but I don't want to be loved back. Use me, make me your lil' toy to make you feel better (if I said it to your face it wouldn't have sound mean). Break me, destroy me, I don't care.

I never really understood why people cut themselves......still don't.

Again a release valve.

Well, I have been influenced by a person who used to cut themselves(She didn't egg me on or anything, it just occured to me how genious it was). To me it seems like a good idea. I've got my problems that I don't want to tell people for it is a waste of time so this is my method
Again this is a dump off spot

Yeah, I see what you mean.
I'm not very sure how to explain how I understand you, but I do...
Am I being an attention whore?

Hm. I don't really think you're being an attention whore. We're all like.. family; to me anyway.

Sometimes you just need to bleed out. Verbally I mean. Well, physically too. XD

I don't know what it's like to live a normal life. To hang out with friends, and have harmless fun. I've never known how.
So I can't tell you any healthy ways to rebound. I replace one bad habit with another, hoping the newest will be my last.

So I guess, you just need to find your own safe haven. Inside my little shell, is mine. It's safer for me to be physically alone, than with a bunch of people.

My parents always say: "It's not healthy for someone your age to want to be alone, and to never want to interact with anyone."
But I say different. If I'm alone, I can't bring anyone down. I almost live off my horrible feelings.

I still go to church every sunday. I can act like nothings wrong effectively. I can ironically babysit someone else's child, while disregarding my own safety.

In my opinion, anyone who is well with fronting, is okay in their own book.
You only have to worry when you can't pretend anymore.

Once again, sorry for making this so long. XD I could go on for hours if I wanted.

That's what my mom says too, but I get out a lil' bit more for I want memories. It always kills me when I leave a friends house or when a friend leaves, but I like to LIVE alone. This haying job isn't helping for my soical life, my airsoft friends are acting like the Jehova Wintess. "You gotta come man, just come for a few hours." I would, but I rather hang out the entire time than a few hours.
I do the same thing at Church. Well, I don't act it. I have a blast at my church, but my depression is like PMS. It pops up once in a while, but when it leaves it left some of it behind. So, some people notice. They ecspecially notice when you say, "God hates me." That blows the cover a bit.

First off, I don't want the attention. If someone wants to talk to me I wait for them to come to me, not me jumpin' up and down wavin' my arms. I just said it because we were on the topic.
Again, my depression comes randomly, but over the months it has come a lil' more often and leaves it remains behind. Then I'm in a mode of "I'm happy, but I feel like crap" combination.
I fear though that people might think I'm just "acting" for attention. I am not. I've been feeling like this since I was 6. It was lighter back then, but it has grown.
Don't get me wrong, that sounds like a good idea and a very organized fashion, but you and I are different. I don't function like that.

Lol.
Chill.
Don't get your panties in a knot.
I wasn't saying that you were doing anything of what I said.

I was giving examples, and speaking in general.

Also, I don't push my methods of organization, and control on anyone.
You just take it as you please.
It's called being selective.

Everyone has their ups and downs, some more than others.
It just depends on how you deal with it, that's all I'm saying.

You of all people should know I would never screw with someone else's feelings, or how they carry themselves.

Haha.

True true ^_^
Sorry, if I came off the wrong way. Wasn't try to start a fight or anything.
By the way, since you mentioned it earlier, what is your church like ECF?

I had a lot of good friends who were cutters. It was a struggle for them, but they managed to quit. I'm glad that they were able to.

I think it helped because they all banned together...I guess that's true with a lot of things. If you've got someone to hold you accountable, it helps you deal with when you decide you don't want to do something.

...

Ahem...yes...

...I shall shut up now. ^_^''