There was an old whore from the Azores,
Who's C!@# was so covered with sores,
That the dogs in the street,
Wouldn't eat the green meat,
That hung from festoons in her drawers.

There once was a rector from Kings,
Who's mind was on Heavenly things,
But his heart was on fire,
For this boy in the choir,
Who's ass was like jelly on springs.

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?
Crib death.

Three guys, one Navy, one Army and one Royal Marine are taking the test to join the SAS. They have all passed the mental and physical sectinos and are down to the final interview.

Guy from the Navy walks in to be confronted by the SAS Head Shed who gives him a gun and says, "There are 6 bullets in that, your wife is upstairs, go up and kill her".

The guy disappears but comes back 2 minutes later to say,

"Sorry I really want to be in the SAS but she's my wife and I love her"

"Sorry" says Head Shed,"But if you can't take orders, we don't want you"

Guy from Army walks in and the same thing happens, he gets the gun and is told to go upstairs and kill his wife, but also can't do it, so is told to thin out.

The Marine walks in and is given the gun. Off he goes and suddenly 6 shots ring out from upstairs, followed by an almighty commotion, and 10 minutes later he walks back into the room drenched in sweat.

He looks at the Head Shed and chucks the gun at him saying, "You bastard, they were blanks, I had to strangle the bitch!!!"

Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.

After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.

The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.

The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."

She says, "Smell the rim."

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A. A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside.

Q. What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?
A. Speed bumps.

Q. What did the retarded woman say to her swimming instructor?
A. "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

What is a Mexican without a lawnmower?
Unemployed!

Q. Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A. He didn't have any arms.

Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
A. He came home shit faced.

Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."